Most churches discover the depth of their love for one another only when conflict demands it. By then, it is almost too late. When a church is fighting among themselves, the last thing anyone is thinking about is “loving one another” (John 13:34-35). We are more preoccupied with destroying one another. But Jesus commanded His followers to love each other, with the same “all-in” sacrificial passion that He showed us. The serious-minded believer does not have a choice: to please the Lord Jesus, we must love the ones that He loves.
When a church prioritizes demonstrable love week after week, it becomes part of that church’s DNA, making them well-prepared to keep conflict secondary and not allow it to rip their relationships apart. A church must pursue this way of doing relationships before the disagreements and conflicts arrive. A church navigates conflict well when its leaders have learned to walk together in love.
Church leaders, beginning with the pastor, are the natural agents for shaping this culture. Unfortunately, pastors frequently encounter competing agendas upon arrival: the biblical priority of being a people who love one another, and a congregational expectation to assure organizational vitality. The first agenda is not optional; it flows from what the church is, a body defined by the love of Christ.
In most cases, a leader’s guidance is rarely received until the people they serve feel truly known and loved. When leaders pursue organizational objectives without first establishing loving relationships, their capacity to lead is diminished. Conflict arises for many reasons, but healthy relationships significantly improve a church’s ability to navigate it. But when church leaders model love consistently, not as a program but as a way of life, the church is fortified, relationships are strengthened, and conflict becomes far easier to resolve.
This is why good guidance is always resisted where relationships are weak. Solid relationships will always precede effective leadership. In The Meaning of Marriage (2011), pastor Tim Keller explains:
To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.
Keller was writing about marriage, but the dynamic holds in every relationship within the church: people who love and are loved like this are ready when the conflict comes.
So where do you start? Use what you already have. Your small group, Sunday school class, or Bible study can be your relationship-building starting point. Stay a few minutes after. And every so often, get together with someone outside the group: a meal, a cup of coffee, a quick visit. They will know that they matter to you.
Show people they are seen. Remember names. Ask about the sick parent, the new job, the child who was having a hard time. Do it in the parking lot, before the meeting, after church. And when someone shares a burden, stop and pray with them right there. People trust leaders who know them and who bring them before the Lord.
Agree ahead of time on how you will treat each other. Before the hard vote or the difficult conversation, make a simple commitment with your fellow leaders: we go directly to each other, we do not talk behind each other’s backs, we assume the best. And when conflict comes, look each other in the eye and work the problem together. Do not let it drive you apart. Let it draw you closer.
Some members will remain unreceptive, but that does not invalidate your calling to love them. Pray for them and show love anyway. This pleases the Lord and deeply impacts the other members who are watching how you respond to the less-than-lovable. The church that handles conflict well three years from now is the church whose leaders are investing in relationships today.